Distanced.
We knew this was a possibility.
We were prepared the best we could be for the day my visa expired and I was meant to move home.
I am meant to move home in two weeks.
As I’m writing this the date is May 14th. I fly out of Heathrow Airport with my fluffy companion on May 26th.
What we weren’t expecting was COVID-19.
No one was.
I know this sounds dramatic, sometimes it feels dramatic, but that’s the perk of creative writing. Embellishment and word choice is half the fun. The other half is self-expression and exploration. That’s why I write these short articles that no one will really read.
The UK went into lockdown mid March. My boyfriend and I had planned to spend a week together for his holiday at the end of the month, but with him being an hour away in Cardiff and me being in Swansea our holiday was cancelled. We weren’t allowed to see each other for fear of infecting others. The virus was too new and the symptoms far too unpredictable.
The week of his holiday came the week after the start of our unexpected “free time” and I couldn’t help but feel disappointed, the only thing distracting me was my uni work and my lockdown buddy who saved me from going insane (THANK YOU SO MUCH!!).
I understand that there are far more pressing issues in the world right now, far worse situations than ours, but I often have to remind myself that this doesn’t demean or completely invalidate my own feelings. I find that as long as I remain grateful for what I have and keep in mind those who have less, I am able to forgive myself for getting lost in my thoughts and allow myself room to explore and experience my emotions. I’m only human, and human beings crave connection, especially with their significant others.
During his holiday of isolation, my boyfriend and I videoed practically everyday. We still do. Even so, the fact that we had dreamt up plans of a perfect holiday stung when we were unable to even cuddle one another on the couch for a week let alone travel to another country. I had already been incredibly busy the two weeks before lockdown with the Swansea Uni Dance Showcase and I had been eager to relax and spend one-on-one time with my love.
We made do though. We had to, and the beginning of lockdown was filled with uncertainty but it was also filled with hope of things being over as soon as it started (spoiler alert, things aren’t over yet).
We spent the rest of lockdown much the same, but I craved his physical comfort and fun-loving presence more and more. “I miss you” began to mean something beyond “lets meet up soon because you’re cool”. The phrase slowly corrupted into “I need you.”
I started joking a lot, tiring out the same phrases with an angsty smile such as, “come cuddle me”, “lets a watch a movie tonight”, and “how about a game of Mario Party?”. I knew that none of these things were possible in that moment, but I liked to dote on the thought of them anyway. Even if it hurt a little.
Another week went by and then another. Soon two months blurred together and I stumbled into May with a heavy heart.
Slowly the reality of my situation rose up in me like the tears I admittedly shed in frustration and anxiety…..many times.
Around the first week of May I booked my dogs flight and bought my own ticket home.
The dam broke then.
I had a panic attack that lasted a few hours, and the rest of the day was shadowed by an anxiety attack that caused everything in me to feel hollow and shaky. My thoughts were buzzing in my head like a colony of bees that were trapped inside.
What if I didn’t see my boyfriend before I moved home permanently? What if I didn’t see my friends before I left? I still have so much to explore and learn in Wales, so much to experience, so many memories that I’m not yet ready to leave behind. I needed to pack, donate, trash, sort through everything I own (…not quite done with that one yet). I needed to find a way to get my dog home despite the worldwide isolation decree (..working on that too). I needed to graduate with my class (but I’ll be doing that from home instead). I needed- my mind often blanks at this point.
I started to become sick with anxiety. To be honest, I still sort of am. The emotional exhaustion is getting me and I hadn’t even known I was tightly holding on to this hurricane of emotion for the past three months. I can’t imagine what people directly affected by COVID-19 are going through. (Sending prays and love!)
We started talking about him visiting me in California for a summer holiday. I needed something to plan, something to look forward to to keep my mind off of all of the things we had missed and the moments we were unable to have together. I excitedly spewed at him all of places I’d show him, all the activities we would do, and how wonderful being him in my home state would be. I made a document on my laptop and I started to flesh out every detail I could think of (and thats a lot) in order to busy myself with hope.
Soon a holiday morphed into visa talk, which morphed into marriage, which morphed into our life together in the future.
Suddenly we were daydreaming together about our visions, having fun with ignoring lockdown by joking, crafting, and discussing the possibility of being with each other for the rest of our lives. Some of these conversations were silly, but others were incredibly serious.
Creating a plan kept his logical mind and my daydreamy one whole.
Visas, engagements, marriage, adult stability, all of these things will take considerable amounts of time. Moving home to America means, for now, a few weeks a year visiting the love of my life. For how many years can we stand that before we go insane? 1? 2? 3? We imagine what living worlds apart for 3 years would be like. In conclusion, hell. Doable hell, but hell none the less.
Still, we’ll sustain whatever we need to in order to be together. Doesn’t mean it’ll be fun, but the more more I experience with my boyfriend the more I fall in love with him.
We are quite a movie-esk love story, except less like Shakespeare’s poisonousness Romeo and Juliet and more like Disney’s dreamy Rapunzel and Flynn Ryder from Tangled.
We haven’t been in the worst situation, but we haven’t been in the best either. Like in Tangled, Rapunzel and Flynn come from vastly different worlds.
Though we have distanced physically, lockdown has proved to me that the two of us can get through anything together.
That’s not to say that this hasn’t hurt, and there have been times when things seemed impossible. Despite this, he has been the light at the end of the tunnel even from another city, and soon to be another country.
I know that I have a history of being blinded by love and fantasy, but these past few months have proved to me that I capable and deserving of a truly compassionate, supportive, and movie-like relationship.
COVID-19 has shaken the world, and shaken the foundations of hundreds of thousands of people. Though the pandemic is a scary and destruction thing, however, it is a demonstration of humanities strength, and the power of human connection.
In the end, we are distanced but not deterred.
Tips For Long Distance Couples
Schedule Time to Talk – whether for five minutes to say goodnight or three hours+ to discuss the best version of Scooby Doo, create a set period of time that is dedicated to your partner and only your partner each and every day
Schedule Weekly Date Nights – jazz up your daily chats with a special night filled with things such as:
– Board games (I’ve done it :)); as long as each party has the game wherever they are, you can play together from separate locations
– Movies; use platforms such as Netflix to sync the same movie over two different tvs or screen share from your laptop on a video chat such as zoom
– Wine & Dine (or juice & dine); buy the same drink along with the same ingredients and bring your loved one into the kitchen with you (via technology of course) to make dinner together…apart
Become Pen Pals! – no time constraints, just respond to one another as you are able. There is something particularly intimidate about sending letters, why not give it a try with your partner?
Start a Book Club – read the same book then have a stimulating discussion about it
Write Your Partner Love Letters – (I did this one too) Create a series of letters, each one representing a different emotion. The envelopes you place each letter in should say, “read this when you’re feeling….” followed by an emotion: sad, lonely, frustrated, (sexually) “frustrated”, etc. Each letter should be personalized to that emotion and should only be read by your partner when they are feeling that said emotion. (These are preferably hand written for further intimacy)
Most Importantly: Remind Your Partner Often….- that you love them, find them sexy, thoughtful, intelligent, and all the other reasons why they matter to you because being far away from your love can be difficult on the mind, even when you know how much they appreciate you
Long distance is difficult, very difficult, but it is not impossible <3
