I have convinced myself that I need to maximize the potential of every moment of every day.
If I don’t do this then not only am I letting myself down, I am also letting the world down.
I am failing at my job of being a productive member of society and I am failing at living my life as a human being (the one thing I should be good at!).
If I don’t do as much as I should in an efficient and thorough manner, starting from the second I drift into wakefulness to the second I drift back into sleep, then I am not doing enough, I am not living my best life, and I am not a success.
Bit of a drastic notion isn’t it? Especially when the-worlds-over mentality is over something like allowing myself to be too lazy to drink that extra glass of water so I can fulfill my daily 8 cups a day and stay the proper amount of hydrated.
I know.
But even considering this fact, the sickly, disappointment-filled guilt remains.
This feeling festers not just in the depths of my fogged up mind, it festers in my body as well. I feel the guilt in my Hunchback of Notre Dame slouch, in the Hulk like pulse in my neck, and in the butt crack wrinkle that pops out between my eyebrows. I am suffering in both mind and body because I am consumed by stress over not being “successful enough” day by day.
The other day I spent three hours drifting in and out of sleep on the sunken living room couch even though I had woken up at 11am. The rest of the day consisted of battling myself. I occupied my hands by snacking, and I tried to occupy my mind by doing something, anything, I could. It shut down from overwhelm, however, and I was left sinking deeper into myself no matter how hard I tried.
I spent the entire day trapped in a bummed-out loop of inconsistency.
Then one day I was scrolling Facebook and I came across a quote that, since then, I have been trying to live by:
“Not every day needs to meet its full potential.”
I found this quote on a post that I can no longer locate, but I remember the artist had created a panel of cutsie and colorful drawings that she posted with an inspirational saying. This was my favorite one. This particular quote was partnered with a drawing of a pink and purple horse that appeared kind and determined (Thank you unknown artist! If anyone can find the photo please send it to me!!).
Though this quote hasn’t solved all of my problems, it sure has helped. I still struggle to truly feel that my days have been successful no matter how much I fit into them, but when I recall this quote I no longer feel as anxious and guilty about it all. I am reminded that I have another day to try again, and that the day I wasn’t able to meet its potential was a day that wasn’t meant to be maxed out. Like I mention in my self-care article, I have begun practicing forgiveness with myself, and this is a perfect opportunity to do so.
But how else do I help myself feel in control of my life?
Like many others, lists, lists, lists!
I’ve always been a compulsive list maker, but I think I have been struggling the most right now with treating life like just another task to complete rather than the beautiful adventure it is. For example:
Toxic Check-List
- Wake-up 9:00am (phone time limited to 2 min)____
- Get out of bed 9:05am____
- Brush my teeth 9:10am (2 min. at least, remember to get the back)____
- Mouth wash 9:15am (at least 30 seconds)____
- Brush my hair 9:20am____
- Get dressed 9:25am_____
- And so on
This sort of check-list monitors every second of the day, and though the structure provides comfort and holds one accountable, the intensity can cause more stress than its worth. I find that when I am this nit picky, I am so worried about being on time that I don’t live in the present moment. I treat everything I do as a task to check off and not something to appreciate or enjoy. I lose sight of my day and by bedtime I don’t even remember what I have done.
Reality Check-List
- Wake-up 9:00am_____
- Get out of bed 9:05am_____
- Morning routine 9:05am to 9:30am_____
- Breakfast 9:30am to 10:00am_____
- Work period 10:00 to 11:00am_____
- And so on
This type of check-list allows for me to breathe. Though this list remains rather specific too, if I need to fill that time slot with something else or alter the order I do things, then I am able to do so without the pressure of messing up my plan. I have given myself room for human error or unexpected life alterations.
I have to constantly remind myself that life is not something to be ticked off the list. Life is here and now and something to enjoy and appreciate. Life is not something that can ever be truly completed, I think, even after death.
So remember, “Not every day needs to meet its full potential,” because sometimes simply existing is all you need to do in order to take a step forward.
